Think of a time in your own life when you experienced someone else’s anger. Where were you? What did you instantly feel? What did you do or not do?

In 2012, I was in the Miami airport on the way to Haiti. My phone rang as I was waiting to board. I answered thinking my mom was calling me to wish me a nice trip. Nope. She started screaming at me about being behind in paying her back money owed. I instantly knew I was at fault. I was sick to my stomach. She wouldn’t let me speak. She told me to pay her immediately and not to leave the country before I did.

I didn’t have the money, and if I didn’t continue my my trip, I would be out even more money. I got on the plane and was not reachable for 7 days. I was sick the whole time. I wrote her and my father an email and took full responsibility and apologized. There was nothing else for me to do.

The mother in Terms of Endearment Shirley MacLaine’s character was furious that her daughter wasn’t getting her pain medicine fast enough. She didn’t think the nurses were moving fast enough. She didn’t care if the nurse she spoke to wasn’t assigned to her daughter. In her mind, she was the ONLY patient in the hospital, and they needed to drop everything and make her daughter feel better.

If I remember only one thing from my reading about understanding anger, it is to never make decisions when either party is angry. In my situation, my students do not play a role in the decision making process. If the school staff or the families made decisions in anger, it would only hurt the child.

I love how Diane communicated with D.J.’s mother. She never gave up. She treated her with respect. She was not judgemental. Her notes and photos were kind. I think the most important thing Diane did was not to listen to the principal and consulting teacher. I almost cried when she received a note in return at the end of the year. Connections can be made in so many ways, and Diane made one with D.J’s mother. Yeah Diane!

Enhancing the Dance Chapter 5

Dear Rachel,

I want you to know what an honor it has been to be T’s teacher for the last 3 years. I appreciate you allowing me to serve your family in and out of school. You gave your daughter the middle name “Joy”, and I can’t even begin to tell you how much joy she has brought to our classroom. No matter where my career takes me, your family will always hold a special place in my heart.

Raechelle

For Parents: Essential Steps

My Reflection: As I review this list, the three that caught my attention are…

1. Of the three things that got my attention, the first was the recommendation for parents to ask what other parents ask. This is such a valuable question because they might be so flustered by the whole process that they have no idea what to ask.
2. Parents need to also make time for themselves. We can provide them with local churches or groups that provide a Parents’ Night Out for families with special needs children. We need to remind them that if they don’t take care of themselves, they can’t take care of their child.
3. Lastly, and most importantly, “remember that your child is the same unique, wonderful child she or he was before the assessments” (Fialka, Feldman, & Mikus, 2012, p.97).

Additionally, I want parents to know that a test or assessment doesn’t define the child; it just lets us know how to better serve them.

High Expectations and Hope

How does the reframing of “in denial” impact your thinking about what families might experience?

This Fall Texas A & M University will become the first university in Texas to offer a four-year program for students with intellectual and developmental disabilities. How exciting! I watched an interview with a young lady with Downs Syndrome who is so excited to follow in her mother’s footsteps as an Aggie.

When reading this section of the chapter, my mind immediately went back to her smile as she walked around the campus. I think her parents were “in hope” as she grew up. I hope that I will forever be reminded of her smile if I ever revert to thinking of a parent as being “in denial”. I want to be the educator they can come to when they want to be encouraged, never discouraged.

For Professionals: Essential Steps

Name two other strategies you can use to promote partnerships.

One thing I think is important for me to improve my relationships with parents is not just listening to them, but remembering what they tell me and checking in with them later. So often, we are in a hurry to begin our next task that we may not truly be listening to the things that don’t have to do with the child specifically.

If they have other children, learning their names and what they like to do. Talking to them about their soccer game or what they did at school that day. I have a student with an older sister who is also at our school. I can tell that sometimes she is embarrassed to be dismissed out the backdoor with her little sister. She wants to ride the bus with her friends instead of getting in the car with her mom. I make it a point to ask her about her day. I want to genuinely know that I care about her too. They also have a younger brother who is in the car with Mom in the afternoons. I try to do the same with him. I can tell that Mom really appreciates the added attention all of her children recieve.

What strikes you as important to remember when meetings are beginning?

I love the idea of offering the parent a beverage at the beginning of the meeting. Our diagnostician always has pens and a box of tissues in the middle of the table, but how much better would it make it if there was also a basket of chocolate? Our principal always has one right next to the sign in sheet at faculty meetings, so why not at an ARD also?

I think name plates would be nice also. There is nothing worse than sitting around a table with people who know each other. Especially if those people are potentially going to share “bad news” about your child. I would love to make name plates that are carefully made and laminated so they don’t look like they were thrown together at the last minute. It might be fun to send a blank one home with the parents before the ARD and ask them to make one for themselves with the name they prefer to be addressed as during the meeting. We could keep it, laminate it, and put it in the student’s folder to be used each year.

One thing I want to remember about beginning and ending meetings is… ALWAYS begin and end with a smile or laughter.

Fialka, J. M., Feldman, A. K., & Mikus, K. C. (2012). Parents and professionals partnering for children with disabilities: A dance that matters. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin.

The Story of Sam

The first thing I felt as I read from Sam’s mother’s perspective was her exhaustion. They had taken Sam to two pediatricians, a neurologist, a geneticist, an audiologist, a speech therapist, and now the school psychologist in the course of two years (Fialka, Feldman, & Mikus, 2012, p.40). They just want answers and to know what to do to help their baby.

When the school psychologist thinks, “you must be tired of telling your story over and over” (Fialka, et al, p. 41), it was as if I was looking back at myself in my counselor’s office twenty years ago. I was in the midst of a divorce and had decided to see a counselor again. I went to the counseling department at the seminary in Ft. Worth because it was affordable. I was so tired of telling my story. I was so relieved when the graduate student/counselor walked in and it was someone from my church. They already knew my story. I didn’t have to start from scratch again. I can’t imagine how a parent feels when it is their child, they see multiple specialists, and they feel so overwhelmed and helpless.

As I continued reading through the story of Sam, there were several things that stood out. I think the biggest thing that never crossed my mind is how hard the process could be on the psychologist and other school staff members who are assessing and reporting. I am the teacher. When they come to me, their assessments have been completed. I never thought of how difficult being the bearer of potentially negative findings would be. I don’t go into an ARD meeting thinking “how painful and frightening this process can be for parents” (Fialka, et al., p. 45). The school psychologist summed it up with this thought, “to help, I must hurt” (p. 53). What a big responsibility! I will never take our diagnostician for granted again.

The Story of Rachel

I am more familiar with Rachel’s story. I taught general education for nineteen years. Moving through the RtI process with a student was a process I’ve been through many times. Rachel’s parents, like Sam’s parents, feel “overwhelmed” (Fialka, et al., p. 66). They have so many questions, but they aren’t sure how to ask. They are immediately bombarded with “special ed lingo” (Fialka, et al., p. 67).

We provide parents with the Procedural Safeguards, but there is so much information for them to learn. I think one of the first things we should do with parents is to provide them with a simple timeline and simple explanation with terminology that can be understood by someone outside of the education world. Let’s make it as easy on them as possible.

The psychologist thinks “I wish we had learned more about talking with parents when I was in college” (Fialka, et al., p. 69). YES! A million times YES! Communicating is a learned skill. Some educators are masters of communicating with parents. Some are not. I think I am somewhere in between. I have been so blessed to have administrators who are so good at it. I watch them and try to soak up their words and tones.

What now?

As I finished reading about Sam and Rachel, there were many similarities from the perspective of the parents and the psychologists. The parents are fearful, anxious, and just want answers. The wait is so difficult. There are legal timelines that must be followed, but Rachel’s mom is shocked when she is told that by law the next meeting would be held within sixty days (Fialka, et al., p. 67). Two months is too long. Two months, approximately forty school days, is too long. I know that sixty days is the maximum, but I’ve seen diagnosticians who procrastinate or who have too many other assessments to complete. The need for more specialists is huge. The workload for those administering assessments, scoring and writing up the reports is currently too much. It’s not fair to the parents, the school staff, and most importantly, the child.

In both scenarios, all parties want what is best for the child. Each wants to heard. Parents want those working with their children to see the whole child, not just the test scores or their challenges. The psychologists want the parents to know that is what they want too. I think we need to say that. As an educator, my first priority when I am working with a parent is for them to know that I love their child. Always start with the positive. I probably drive my diagnostician and administrator crazy with little stories I think of to share with the parents during an ARD meeting, but when I see the parents smile and everyone laughs, it is worth it to interrupt the agenda.

It’s all about relationships. Let’s dance.

Fialka, J. M., Feldman, A. K., & Mikus, K. C. (2012). Parents and professionals partnering for children with disabilities: A dance that matters. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin.

How the Dance Begins

What can be done or said to ease this awkwardness, ambivalence, or initial uncertainty?

“It is up to the professionals to get to know each family and to honor each family’s unique ways of coping, shaping their lives and supporting their children” (Fialka, Feldman, & Mikus, 2012, p.10).

As professionals we need to listen first, talk later. If a child is new to our classroom, we must ask the parents questions. Make them feel like we value their input. Nothing ruins a new educator-parent relationship faster than an overzealous, know-it-all educator. We must begin to build trust and respect as soon as possible. I also think using collective pronouns, such as us and we, can bring partners together.

If I remember only one thing from my reading about the parent-professional partnership and the dance metaphor it is…

to not take it personally.

My first year in Life Skills, I had a teacher’s child in my classroom. She tried to give me grace as she knew I was just beginning my journey in special education. The second year I had her child, she felt she needed to advocate more for her child. She was making specific requests of me in regards to teaching her son. I knew some were valid, but some I didn’t agree with.

Ultimately, she asked our administration to remove her son from my classroom and place him in the other Life Skills class with a more experienced teacher. My feelings were hurt and there was tension between us as we passed each other in the halls for a few months. After talking with my husband about my hurt feelings, he asked me if I would have wanted a more experienced teacher with our son if he had special needs. Point taken. My colleague was doing what she thought was best for her child. We still teach two doors apart, her son has moved onto secondary school, and he is thriving. I love hearing her sharing about his successes. It wasn’t about me; it was about her son.

The Dance

What can professionals and parents do and say to acknowledge and ease some of the awkwardness of these initial meetings?

I think it is very important to be upfront and honest. Let the parents feel at ease. State that the success of their child is the goal of everyone at the table. I love the metaphor of the dance. I think sharing the metaphor with the family is a great way to start the initial meetings. Humor is one way to make everyone feel comfortable too. I might even suggest that everyone wears closed-toed shoes to our meetings.

Colliding and Campaigning

Think about a time in your own personal life when you felt strongly about a situation. Describe the circumstances. What did you want to have happen? What was the underlying desire – what values, dreams, past history, and expectations? What did you want the other person to understand about your perspective?

Parenting is hard when there are two parents. We must learn to dance with our spouse when raising our children. There have been many times when my husband and I disagreed on how to raise our son. One of the subjects we disagreed on the most was the amount of time our son was allowed to play video or computer games. I wanted him to only play for one hour a day during the week and three hours on the weekends (with a break every hour). My husband agreed that it needed to be limited, but not with hard, no-exception limits.

I thought – I was the college educated teacher. I knew best. This struggle went on for years. I wanted the final say and refused to budge. I even went so far as to set a timer, and when the timer went off, I expected the game to end immediately. I didn’t want my husband to understand anything about my perspective, except that it was right. It caused tension between all three of us.

Finally my husband said, “Do you think I would do anything to intentionally hurt our child?” That was all it took to allow me to soften and let my husband take the leadership role in this area. It was my stubborn pride that I wouldn’t let go. Today our son is an adult, and we are pretty proud of the man he is becoming. He’s a lot like his daddy.

Describe three feelings that the parents are experiencing and three feelings the professionals are experiencing. Identify some of the interests and values influencing or sharing the two different opinions about where Josie should be next year.

Parents

1. Frustration
2. Anger
3. Hurt

Professionals

1. Frustration
2. Confident
3. Uncertain – Maybe there is a staff person at the table who agrees with the parents, but doesn’t want to upset or overstep an administrator or diagnostician.

I think both parties would agree that they feel their suggestion is in the best interest of the Josie. The parents are angry and frustrated because they feel that they are Josie’s parents and know what is best for her. They may feel hurt because they have “rigorously researched education options” (p. 16) and that the school staff are not listening to their desires for their daughter. The staff, on the other hand, feel like they are more experienced in providing for children with special needs. Some may be thinking that they went to college to make these decisions.

Both sides feel very strongly about their suggestion for Josie’s future. They fell into an hour of debating the subject with no agreed upon plan for Josie. As the authors state, it’s time to “pause, breathe deeply, find a place of patience” (p. 17). Further debate will not help Josie’s future education.

Dialogue between school psychologist (SP) and the parent (P). Follow-up with one suggestion for working through this impasse.

I am paraphrasing an ARD I attended many years ago. I’ve changed the name of the student.

P – She is my child, and I know what’s best for Cindy.

SP – The evaluations show that Cindy has an intellectual ability. Being in a general education classroom will cause Cindy to feel stressed and could potentially hurt her emotionally in the long term. We want to provide an environment in which she feel successful.

P – I refuse to allow you to put her in a classroom with other students who are dumb. I know she is a smart.

SP – Cindy has street smarts. Not academic smarts.

P – How dare you call my child stupid! I was in a special education classroom and it ruined me. I’m going to report you to the superintendent.

Cindy’s mom arrived at the school angry. She had already made up her mind before listening to the school staff. She wasn’t in a place to listen to anything being shared with her. The authors of our text state that “In order to get unstuck, we have to explore what’s behind our thinking, what’s below the surface” (p. 18). If I was part of this meeting I would suggest tabling the decision for now. Cindy’s mom doesn’t seem to have anyone in the room she trusts. She is bringing her own negative experiences to the meeting. I think bringing in someone Cindy’s mom already has a good relationship with could help her feel less threatened.

If I remember only one thing from reading about the phase of Colliding and Campaigning, it is…

Postponing a meeting or bringing in another dance partner or mediator are not “signs of failure, but rather a creative steps in working toward a resolution in challenging times” (p. 19).

Cooperating and Compromising

If I remember only one thing from my reading about Cooperating and Compromising, it is…

It is okay to admit when we are wrong. “When we stumble on each other’s toes, apologies go a long way to repairing and strengthening the partnership” (p. 26).

Throughout my 24 years of teaching, I have made many mistakes. I will never forget a time when a parent had me in the principal’s office and was yelling at me for something I did that hurt their child’s feelings. When they finished yelling, instead of trying to defend myself, I said, “You’re right. I was out of line, and I truly apologize for my behavior. It won’t happen again. Can we bring ____ in so I can apologize to him also?”

The parent and my administrator were stunned. The principal went to get the child, I got down to his level and apologized to him. I asked for his forgiveness. We all cried. The relationship I had with that parent and student changed that day.

Creative Partnering and Collaborating

If I remember only one thing from my reading about Creative Partnering and Collaborating, it is…

“This is the phase in the relationship that genuinely feels safe, satisfying, creative, and most productive” (p. 28).

I have only been a special education teacher for the last five of my twenty-four years as an educator. I think the relationships I have with my special ed parents are so special. I get to have my students for multiple years. We live life together through their child. I love calling them with successes and questions. Trust is at the center of the best relationships.

Fialka, J. M., Feldman, A. K., & Mikus, K. C. (2012). Parents and professionals partnering for children with disabilities: A dance that matters. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin.

I am a teacher of 24 years. The last 5 of those years, I have been blessed to teach a self-contained special education class. My goal every day is to find the joy in every situation and in every child.

I look forward to sharing my heart through this blog.